I know you can’t sum up how good a game is with a single number, but everything is about speed and time in today’s society. You rarely want to read a page of me debating whether the latest release is a waste of money and should be burnt alongside Twilight and any Justin Bieber albums.

That is why we have… *dramatic music*

The Scale

5 – Holy Grail (Not perfect, but close. Sets a benchmark for new games to beat.)

5 Stars

We called it the Holy Grail because if it exists, it is a rare item. Therefore you shouldn’t expect to see 5 Stars handed out on a regular basis. This is for games which are original, exciting and have a great story-line.

4 – Fallen Angel (Great game, but has a few flaws or lacks re-playability.)

4 Stars

We called it Fallen Angel because if angels fell from the sky, they would likely face-plant the ground and obtain a few cuts and bruises. For example, if the game is unoriginal, lacks replayability, has a few technical/design flaws, but is still fun.

3 – Water (Not good, not bad. Neutral.)

3 Stars

We called it Water because we are nerds and water has a neutral pH of 7. This is for those games that are ‘meh!’ Fanboys of the series may love them. You may play them if you have run out of other games. You may have a good time, but not something that you are genuinely excited about playing.

2 – Broken Record (Good idea, but executed poorly.)

2 Stars

We called it Broken Record because the record may have some great songs, but you can’t play it without hitting a scratch and the part repeating itself. This is for those games which could be good, but you are bogged down with technical errors or the player suffers from a lack of emotion towards characters or the story-line.

1 – Needle (Few good bits.)

1 Star

We called it Needle because of the phrase ‘needle in a haystack’. This is for games which are fundamentally terrible, but if you delve deep you may find a tiny spark of goodness.

0 – Nuclear Waste (<– Self explanatory.)

0 Stars

We called it Nuclear Waste because you wouldn’t pick it up, unless you are wearing gloves. (Actually, you may not even pick it up with gloves.) This is for those games which don’t work, will never work and should be burnt in a pit to save the rest of humanity.

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